


Girl Talk

by therapychicken



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angst and Humor, David/Stevie banter, Dialogue-Only, Episode: s06e14 Happy Ending, Gen, M/M, Patrick is only referred to and not in the most flattering terms, Rachel goes over some past baggage, Stevie Shows Her Emotions, Stevie and Rachel are so stoned, Wedding, Weed, also possibly pre-Jake/Rachel? just because I think it's funny, but mostly them talking about David/Patrick, lots and lots of zhampagne, pre-Stevie/Rachel if that's the way you roll, so definitely not bechdel test compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:15:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26140972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therapychicken/pseuds/therapychicken
Summary: At David and Patrick's wedding reception, Stevie and Rachel discover they have something in common. There is no way they'll be able to talk about it if they're not stoned off their gourd, though.
Relationships: (past), Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Patrick Brewer/Rachel, Stevie Budd & David Rose
Comments: 13
Kudos: 69





	Girl Talk

**Author's Note:**

> This story comes to you courtesy of:
> 
> 1) a few of my unresolved issues which I have projected onto at least one character here
> 
> 2) the fact that I've seen a few dialogue only stories here recently and the idea is genius because the dialogue is my favorite part
> 
> 3) the feelings I have about the way in which Patrick and Rachel's relationship/breakups are sometimes portrayed in fic
> 
> Hopefully all that mushed together is at least slightly satisfying. 
> 
> It's the same old grind- let me know what you think in the comments, and wear a mask and save lives!

"So you're Rachel, right?"

"Oh, um, hi. Yes, yes I am."

"I'm Stevie- the maid of honor, as you can tell by the outfit that's about 600% fancier than anything I'd voluntarily wear."

"Well- it looks great! Yeah, I'm Rachel, and honestly I'm not sure why the fuck I'm here."

"Right, well, yes, we are the exes, aren't we! The girls who David and Patrick each ditched in favor of a man. Sexist pigs."

...

"God, I didn't think it was _that_ funny."

...

"Oh. It's that kind of laughing."

"No- no, it was fu-fu-funnyyyyy....!"

"Oh _God_...."

"No, no, I'm fine. It's just- look where I am, right?! I am literally at the wedding of the guy who I spent more than half of my life thinking I was going to marry."

"Well, I definitely can't say the same- I don't think I've _ever_ thought I'd get married, let alone to a particular guy, and no chance in hell that that would have been David. He was an actual nightmare when we- bumped uglies."

" _Bumped uglies._ "

"There is genuinely no more dignified way to put it that would have accurately described the experience. We were high like 75% of the time."

"Ah."

"Yeah. But, like, since then, though, it's been good, we've been- we've been each other's people. Except for when he's Patrick's person."

"Aha."

"No, wait, I'm sorry..."

"I just knew I shouldn't have come."

"Hang on- come on out here to the porch."

"...God, the rain's coming down, isn't it."

"Well luckily it hasn't gotten this baby wet- if you're interested. Been saving it up for today- didn't think I could possibly make it through all the emotional stuff without a buzz. Let alone all this emotions shit we've been doing. I basically never talk about this stuff. Exes and shit."

"What- no girl talk? Ever?"

"Does it count as girl talk if it's with a guy? A guy who has more hair styling products than I will ever own? Because even if it does count, still barely. Just not my thing. Speaking of, can you pass that to me when you're done?"

"Sure, one sec."

"...Oh man, I needed that." 

"Same- I literally haven't smoked since college, should have realized I'd need it at my ex's wedding. I'm like a giant stereotype."

"Um, with the caveat that there is literally no way I would ever ask this kind of invasively personal question sober, and especially would not be genuinely interested in the response..."

"Mhm? It's fine, go ahead."

"Uh, why are you here? You kind of keep moaning about it. You don't really seem like you're over Patrick." 

"I am! I've been dating some people, nothing serious, but I really am over him. I am. Totally over him."

"Wow, sounds like you're really over him."

"No, seriously though, it's not like I'm not over _him_ , it's more that I'm realizing that I'm not over the fact that he's getting married to someone else. I spent literally fifteen years thinking he was going to get married to me, I was doodling Rachel Brewer in my notebooks in high school-"

"Yikes, you are literally an actual stereotype."

" _I know_! That's the problem! It's been in my head so long- _he's_ been in my head so long- it's hard to just get him out, right? Actually, can I tell you a secret?"

"I kind of think you already have...? I can definitely tell you haven't smoked since college."

"Okay, but seriously, nobody else knows this. Maybe Marcy, because she was sitting a few seats away from me and she probably noticed, but. I wasn't at the ceremony."

"Okayyyy..."

"I pretended I had a phone call and I left right before it started and I stood right out here on the porch the whole time, watching it rain, and then I came back in at the end and kind of blended into the crowd."

"Wow. Well, you missed a spectacle, let me tell you."

"Ha, yeah, I bet. But like- I've been talking to Patrick more, and we- well, he told me about you. That you and David were still best friends, even though you were exes, and he wanted to know if _we_ could still be friends, and at first I said no, no way, then I missed him and he seemed so earnest and we've been talking more, and I've even been talking with David-"

"Poor you."

"No, but seriously, everything was fine so I figured I'd come for the wedding, but then I sat down and Patrick was standing up there and I realized that maybe I could be friends with Patrick, but I could not sit there watching his wedding and him looking at someone else like that. The way I thought he'd look at _me_ at _our_ wedding."

"...Yeah."

"So I kind of walked out."

"Uh huh." 

"When I came here, that other time, Patrick kept on saying stuff like _the reason we never loved each other the way we were supposed to was because I was gay._ And when he and David came down to visit in the spring he was all, _some day I hope you get to really love someone like this_."

" _Ouch_."

"No, I mean, even besides the obvious- I _totally_ loved him like that. It didn't work, but it's not because I didn't love him _exactly_ like that. It's because _he_ didn't love _me_ like that. I don't anymore, not really, but- I don't know where he gets the idea that I didn't, just because he didn't."

"He probably feels guilty about all those years you wasted loving him, and how sad and angry you probably were when he left, so he probably tries to think about it as though neither of you were actually that happy. That way he was saving you from a bad situation just as much as he was saving himself, and he can feel better about the whole thing. Rewrite your history a bit."

"...Wow. That was really emotionally intelligent."

"Fuck off."

"I mean, it was a bad situation in that I was stupid in love with someone who was never going to love me back, but I was genuinely in love with him, so it really fucking hurts that he keeps making it seem like I wasn't."

"Devaluing your feelings."

"Devaluing my feelings, yeah."

"Yeah, that sucks." 

...

"Kind of like the time that David and I kissed, after we'd broken things off because he didn't like me the way I liked him, and we weren't high or drunk enough yet, and he was all grossed out by it and I wasn't really but I had to _say_ I was."

"Ooooh."

"Yeppp. On the one hand, I'm not sure how much of the weirdness there was actual feelings vs just me having subbasement-level standards for who to kiss and/or fuck, but then again he also had terrible standards, and he slept with _Jake_ after that, so."

"...Who's Jake?"

"You know what, if you're _really_ lonely later on I'll introduce him to you."

"Okayyyy."

"Also, if you ever mention that whole David kissing thing to anyone I will track you down in whatever Stepford Wives Toronto suburb you live in and strangle you myself."

"I just moved to Hamilton, actually..."

" _God,_ why?"

...

"Oooooh, is that _weed_?"

"David, what are you doing out here without your husband?"

"Oh my god, say that again."

"Absolutely not, you actual pervert. Where is Patrick, though?"

"Dancing with his mom. They're so sweet. So so so so sweet. _My_ mom drank too much Zhampagne and is passed out on my dad's shoulder."

"...And is it possible that you may also have had a tiny bit too much, uh, Zhampers?"

"Ew, no, _this_ is entirely from the good stuff that Patrick and I brought. My mom found a case of Zhampagne in a storage closet and drank it straight from the bottle."

"So nice to hear that our taxpayer dollars are used to stock town hall with cut rate booze. Anyway, the weed is only for jilted ex-lovers, so don't even think about it."

"But Stevie, I do love you, you know that."

"...Well, I mean, I guess I did, but I don't know if you ever put it quite that bluntly before."

" _Bluntly...._ "

"Oh shut up, you horrible happy person. You don't need my weed."

"And _you_ , Patrick loves you, you know that? That's why I came out here. He was- he was looking for you."

" _Oh_. Oh, um. Thanks, David."

" _David..._ "

"Oh, well, um, so I'll go inside! I'll tell Patrick you're, you're around here and you'll come in when you're ready."

"Yes, David, that sounds like a very good plan. Now get the fuck back inside."

...

"You know you don't have to go back in."

"I know, but I probably will anyway. In a minute." 

"Okay."

"I'm not going to like whatever it is he has to say, but it's his wedding day. I'll smile and take it." 

"Hey, you never know. He may have acquired a tiny bit of emotional intelligence."

"Not if he drank as much booze as David did. Actually, he probably won't have a filter, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not."

"Ha."

"...Are _you_ okay?"

"Who me? Yeah. I basically started crying the second I found out David and Patrick were engaged, and will probably spend the rest of my life crashing on their sofa as they fuck tenderly upstairs. I'm totally fine."

"You don't have to be."

"I know, but I am anyway. I've never seen David this happy, and the way we are now is better than the way we were back then, he was right about that. Things are good. I needed that kind of a friend who knew me."

"Gotcha."

"Maybe you'll get there with Patrick, maybe you won't. Don't pressure yourself, it will only make it worse. It doesn't so-"

"What?"

"It doesn't sound like he understood you all that much."

"I mean, he used to, I think. But maybe not, I don't know."

...

"I can't decide if I'm glad that I came to this wedding or not." 

"Well, there's apparently a whole case of Zhampagne in a storage closet here somewhere, if you think that might help you make up your mind."

"That sounds like an excellent idea, and also what the fuck is Zhampagne?"


End file.
